At times writing is effortless. Other times nightmarish. But it's always therapeutic.

Pineapple Express

with 10 comments

As Don would say, the problem with young people today is that they smoke weed. Forget about the proponents of weed but many of its users would never wish it on their kids. Weed will mess you up and you should tell it to the young ones.

The earliest memory I have of weed is clear. We visited a family friend and helped them harvest maize in their farm away from home. The harvest was to be transported back home in a truck, the same day and she had hired some men for loading and off-loading. After the job, it was lunch time. Men chose to park themselves far from women and women far from men. That happens a lot in Africa. The food was good and plenty. Porridge was served afterwards. I love porridge. It’s the only thing in which I can beat any mature chef between Hong Kong and Naples, and of course my scrambled eggs. I actaully do have a “scientific formula for both, but I won’t go into details right now.”

The hired men lit something. It was weed. Dark green, dry, broken leaves with little round seeds rolled in the thick brown sugar that wrapped sugar when I was still a sprog. The roll was con-shaped and they puffed at the thinner end. I did not to ask what it was but knew right then, that if my father was there, he would lead the whole family into crazy wailing. The men called it “Colombo.’ That’s a really cool name for a cone shaped roll of weed. Colombo. We did not puff and never could. We let them smoke without noise. They did not look like the breed you interrupt. You only acted tough.

Weed was smoked in high school too. I know the smell of it too well to spot Mary Jane in the air. One gentleman with whom I went to school has already gone very mad today, due to too much of it. I think he was putting peaches in it. It’s sad. We called him KD; a smooth faced lad who now walks with the springiest bounce you’ll ever see in the whole world. He is done showering – forever! Gone. I think it takes KD about 30 seconds to finish a spring on one foot.

My father never stopped preaching the evils of the joint and as Don says, reminding us that joint will send you to hell where Beelzebub and him imps will spend forever pitchforking your behind and rolling you over for roasting. I believed him and chose to remain unacquainted with narcotics.

Over the weekend I watched a film with awesome lines and that’s where all this comes from. Hilarious lines between a crazy joint seller and his crazy buyer that had me laughing at night.

Seller: [Hands guy B a package full of weed to smell] Do you wanna bathe in it?
Buyer: Ahh! I wanna live in here.
Seller: Yes, you wanna be it?
Buyer: OMG! I just wanna shove it up my nose and smell it all day. That’s amazing. Beautiful. What is it called?
Seller: Pineapple Express.
Buyer: Pineapple Express.
Seller: I’m the only guy in the whole city who has it.
Buyer: What is this? [Holding a roll shaped like a cross]
Seller: Ah, a cross joint. You’ve never smoked one of this?
Buyer: You could smoke this?
Seller: Oh yea, man.
Buyer: No!
Seller: This is the future. This is like the apex of the vortex of Joint Engineering. It is rumoured that M.O.O. Shawnecy designed the first one, the guy who designed the Golden gate bridge. My 2nd favourite civil engineer. What you do is you light all 3 ends at the same time, and then the smoke converges, creating a tri-fector of joint smoking power. This is it, man. This is what your grandchildren are gonna be smoking. The future. The future.

Excellent sales skills for the wrong stuff but funny lines that I have listened to repeatedly. I end this with Don’s words.

The problem with young people today is that they are all high on the drugs. When I was in short pants we didn’t have drugs. The only pills we popped were aspirin and you only got them if you lost a finger in the combine.
If my old dad had ever caught me sniffing glue or licking the backs of toads he’d have pelted me with rocks and sent me to military school faster than you could say “Reefer Madness.”


Written by coldturkey

April 22, 2012 at 8:43 PM

Posted in Uncategorized

10 Responses

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  1. Don the Man is a riot!

    Corvinus Maximilus

    May 1, 2012 at 6:39 PM

  2. hehehe…nice post…your pal with the bounce in his step…Im sure tho’ he may be stunk like a skunk,his faggi mind (drugged mind) tells him he’s the bomb dot com….btw,you will be deeply saddened to know that smoking weed at least once is on my bucketlist before i hit thirte 🙂


    May 2, 2012 at 8:45 AM

  3. I’ve always been tempted to try it…I just don’t trust my reaction to it (I’m terrified I may do something stupid or I may enjoy it too much to the point of addiction). Interesting bit is, my friends who regularly enjoy the occasional puff or two are strongly against my trying it…

    PS: I’ve been told crazy tales of nut heads who soak the leaves in petrol then dry said leaves out in the sun…and smoke up the finished product…


    May 11, 2012 at 11:34 AM

  4. Nice..1 of KD’s springs takes how long?hahaha..ION,I have no idea what weed smells like coz everytime someone says they are smelling weed,it smells different.I reasently saw a young guy who was cool tout in one of the city estates I used to reside some 3yrs ago,I couldnt believe.Wasted.Its sad what young people put themselves through just to belong.


    May 14, 2012 at 11:34 AM

  5. @yellasoul, do you know trial weed can give you hairs on the chest? You’re on your own now. Warned :_)
    @Nyambura, especially you of coffee, listen to your friends. If you do, make sure its a cross joint.
    @kwj, It smells like lasagna only with a little cinnamon and Japs mayonnaise. you wanna smell it again?


    May 14, 2012 at 10:23 PM

    • The mood I’m in, I may just smoke up one…

      PS: I’m reading some of your old stuff again…and once again, my mind is totally blown away…


      May 19, 2012 at 9:50 AM

      • Aha. Glad to know that…which ones? When facebook comes to its senses and buys this blog, you’ll get a heavy share.


        May 27, 2012 at 5:23 PM

        • Which ones, you ask…well, I have gone back, left a comment or two on a few posts I had not previously commented on and then come up with the below list of absolute faves:

          -Today church knocked me out, Morning of the wedding, Chapter 10+11: For leaving me in chuckles…

          -Losing my mum, For dear mama left me feeling wistful…

          -Solitude ain’t no matter, Heaven: The depth, Every so often I disappear, The tingle of affection & The night: I define it beauteous all left me feeling like I had stepped into some fantastical place…

          -Resilience, For dear mama & The inference of God were powerful…and Estelle…well, let’s just say Estelle had my imagination conjuring up all sorts of interesting short story threads…


          June 6, 2012 at 3:35 PM

  6. Hahahaha…yeah I would want to.But I knu the smell of lasagna cinnamon and mayo v-well 🙂


    May 19, 2012 at 9:49 AM

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