At times writing is effortless. Other times nightmarish. But it's always therapeutic.

Morning of the wedding

with 7 comments

Morning of wedding day. You are a bridesman [I always miss the word here, and when that happens, I safely call them men who follow the groom].

You gave the tailor measurements and time to collect the suit. You arrive at his shop.
Shock 1] It’s closed.
Shock 2] His phone is off.
Relief 1] He comes an hour later, but he come he does.
Shock 3] Jacket is minus buttons.
Relief 2] Buttons done in seconds.
Shock 4] Zip is faulty.

So do you appear in a wedding late with the fly completely down?

I’ll tell you what happened during a friend’s wedding last year. He asked me to be a groomsman. I said yes. It was to be the first time. A day to the Jour J we are asked to do rehearsals. Rehearsals? Like Steve Harvey I ask, ‘Wha fo?” It’s for marching on the petaled walk where we will show up from a corner, lift a maids hand kiss it like they commonly did in London before the plague came. I got this quote from a film called Black Death that tells of 1348 London and the plague. “Osmund’s heart turned cold. In the shadow of his grief he found hate and in God’s name he took up the sword and vengeance became his creed.”

That chivalrous act is still done today but selectively. Some hands and lips aren’t made for this stuff, really.

So you kiss the hand, smile, give the lady a bunch of flowers, she slots her arm into your and you march forward. I can tell you these people don’t know me because I can’t synchronize steps if my eyes are not looking at the steps I’m making. I have to calculate. That’s how geniuses are, sorry. 🙂 All the same I decide marching isn’t a great deal and wait for tomorrow.

Come the day, here we are. Suits, cravates etc. Looking serious. Make the suits tighter, throw is some very dark glasses, give me a maize comb to stick in the belt and we are CIA personnel. Everyone looks different. It’s a wedding anyway so don’t be shocked by that.

The march on the petals and the first guy goes. He passes the test and so does the second. I’m third and now wait for drama. All eyes on me. I scare them back into their sockets with a teethfull smile. After all is John’s wedding and I know John. He is my friend. I give flowers, take the arm and we start the walk. Cameras zoom. I imagine John telling his bride, “Baby when I say I’m a turnkey husband, that’s the signed deal. You only gat me to plug and play. How does that sit with you?” Cheers John, man!

First step, pass. Second step, they play a song and that where they spoil it. I lose steps and confuse my maid. I’m supposed to look at the camera but I’m not. Focus is on my steps. Damn! We do chameleon – she lifts her leg waits for me to lift and synchronize as we put the feet down, but unfortunately that is the same time I’m putting mine down and waiting for her to put hers down.

People are looking shamelessly. I decide to take matters into our own feet and initiate a march with the natural-normal-everyday-going-to-work strides yo mama gave ya! She follows. No choice anyway. We cover the remaining distance like mercenaries. I take her to the maids’ side and my escort duty is closed.

People, know thyself.


Written by coldturkey

March 1, 2011 at 11:06 PM

Posted in réalité

7 Responses

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  1. LMAO I feel you.I hate weddings to begin with, to be a bridesmaid would be absolute hell (a dress you didn’t & would never choose, the heels, all those sets of eyes & a camera on you *shudder*) but i loooooved how you handled the situation; if you’re going to hell, you might as well go on your own terms 🙂


    March 3, 2011 at 9:20 AM

  2. hehehe…poor you,counting steps in your head…lol…but you made it!…lol…btw,i love weddings…cos i get to melt in the crowd and see people :-)…but being in one??…two words.exhausting.pressure.laughing at stale groomsmen jokes,too many hugs & smiles..*shudders… be that as it may, am all set to be a bridesmaid this month…hehehe


    March 5, 2011 at 9:54 AM

  3. This totaly totaly crackd me.waar..I will laugh till christmas…and what was the maize cob for?I love weddings,being a maid or just attending,am cool but likes it easy that way il have fun.


    March 11, 2011 at 9:56 PM

  4. @Nyambura, you do? I thought all girls had a small but strong vein called ‘wedding is bliss’
    @Yellasoul, let me know if the boy dares to do a chameleon on ya. Not on you
    @kwj, the cob was imaginary but you never know..

    Cold Turkey

    March 12, 2011 at 11:06 PM

  5. Let me put it this way; a preview of the bridal shows on Telly is like the trailer of the Saw movie. Plus, it’s too showy for my taste; like it’s someone Else’s dream…Keep it AG simple, followed by an intimate dinner of close family n friends & topped off by said loved ones getting properly smashed. Now that will leave me one happy girl.


    March 14, 2011 at 10:39 AM

  6. funny post, genius way to get the walk over with


    March 18, 2011 at 8:41 PM

  7. Lol. I hope the bride was forgiving.


    September 28, 2011 at 7:51 AM

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